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afternoon, Leo started rapidly spiraling down. He only ate a few licks of treats and a couple sips of water, and when he tried to walk, he stumbled and swayed and his hind legs would collapse after a dozen steps or so. Bff came over for the Super Bowl and debated if giving him more fluid would help or would just cause him unnecessary pain. She ultimately decided to give him one more treatment...Leo didn't even put up a token protest. We took turns sitting on the floor next to him as he stretched out on his self warming mat, petting him and giving him ear scratches, and if we stopped, he'd put his paw on our leg or give us a gentle head butt. I'd planned to spend the night sleeping in the living room with him but I wasn't going to sleep on the floor. So I gathered Leo up and sat down in the recliner, stretching him out on my lap like he'd stretched himself out hundreds of times before. But around 3:00 AM, Leo (barely) jumped down and stumbled to the bathroom, where he stretched out on the floor. Our bathroom is tiny--there's nowhere for a human to stretch out in there--so I reluctantly went to bed.

In the morning, I called Leo's vet and got an appointment for 3:40 yesterday afternoon. Leo spent part of the morning napping, and after he woke up, I just held him on my lap for hours, petting him and telling him what a good kitty he was and how much I would miss him, but it was time, and it was OK for him to go. The procedure at the vet's went smoothly; Leo slipped away quickly and peacefully. I opted not to have his body or ashes returned to me, and I didn't really want a claw paw print, but they will be sending me an ink print of his paw later on.

Back when bff was first looking for a home for Leo, Dad and I talked about the cons of taking in an older pet. I said we'd be lucky if we had him for two years. We had him for two years and two weeks exactly. During that time, he brought us so much joy and laughter. There is so much I'm already missing about Leo. I miss how when he wanted something (usually food), he'd let out a series of demanding meows, followed by a single questioning meow and finally a resigned meow (I always wished I was able to capture that on my phone; it really did sound like he was demanding, then asking "why?" and then resigning himself to not getting what he wanted). I miss the strolls around the house...on Sunday, I bundled him up in a blanket (which he normally would've hated) and walked around the house one last time with him. I miss the pleasure he took out of treats, especially how he would lick his lips at the mere sight of the Reddi Wip bottle or the way he'd do a little dance (while seated--it was impressive) when I brought out the bag of cheap 9 Lives crunchy chicken and turkey treats and gently paw at my leg when I wasn't opening the bag of treats fast enough. I miss the way he would walk ahead of me when he wanted to lead me to the kitchen to feed him or to the front door to let him out. I miss the way he would sit on the floor and gaze at me with expectation or curiosity or love; he so often was fixated on either Dad or me when we were in the same room with him. I miss him being in my lap, either stretched out in contentment or curled up for a nap, often gently purring or "making biscuits". I even miss his feistiness, the way he'd sometimes hiss his displeasure or swat at me (claws retracted) when I removed him from a situation he wanted to be in.

I'd been agonizing for almost two weeks about whether it was time to let Leo go. Looking back, I'm so glad I didn't have him put down when we went to the emergency vet two Sundays ago. They were all "either he gets 3 days of continuous IV at a cost of $5000 or you have to put him down!". I would've always regretted not exploring other options had I let them euthanize Leo right then at there. Bff had mentioned a possibility Leo had pancreatitis (treated with antibiotics and fluids) or maybe another mouth infection. His regular vet the following Wednesday was suspicious it was Leo's time but was at least willing to give him time to see if the fluids or antibiotics worked. They didn't, but they DID give me another week to love on Leo. I don't think he was in pain or was suffering (until later Sunday and then yesterday morning, and even then, he was really just weak). A week ago, bff and her friend B were over to administer a SQ, and my good church friend came over to give Leo a tiny blanket she'd knitted...he was absolutely eating up all the love and attention from the four of us. I found out from B--who was the one that found Leo on her porch seven years ago, in the process of dying from a severely infected cut in his mouth--that she gave Leo his name because while at the vet with him, the vet tech said Leo "purred so loudly, like a lion". Hence "Leo". I also found out that bff's family think that it was Leo who allowed bff's mom, who succumbed to dementia at the end, to live in her house by herself as long as she did. Leo gave her mom both a reason to get up every morning and a sense of schedule. Leo would demand breakfast, lunch and dinner at certain times; her mom would know that was her mealtime as well. And Leo would go into the bedroom at 10:00 PM every night and meow, letting bff's mom know it was bedtime.

Last night, I went to a cookie decorating class at a local library with my aunt just two hours after having to put Leo down. I wasn't really in the mood but Auntie had been looking forward to it (and didn't know what had happened with Leo). When I got home, for a split second I'd almost forgotten Leo was gone...when I realized he wasn't in the living room hanging out as was his evening habit, it was like a gut punch. And again this morning, when I got up and sat in the recliner to watch the morning news as has been my habit since I lost my job at the bindery, there was no Leo in my lap keeping me company, and the tears flowed again. Last night, I "sat with my grief" as the younger people say but today I intend to start packing away Leo's things.

If you made it this far, thank you. I apologize if I'm rambling...like chloe, I'm struggling right now with the grief. Leo wasn't just a cat, he was a beloved member of the household that we had for far too short a time (seriously, my inner child is on the floor kicking and screaming at the unfairness of it all). He was also a constant in my life at a time when I've been feeling a bit...unmoored over not having a job. So in a way, Leo gave ME a sense of purpose too, like he did for bff's mom. Anyways...thank you all for the love and support these last two weeks. And if you have a pet at home, give them an extra hug today for me.