Daily Updates

Port Charles Update for Monday, 22-Mar-1999

Today on PC, which was NOT a Chris day, and I for one am NOT a happy camper about it, we got yet ANOTHER infomercial . . . . okay, somebody PLEASE kill me now! AAAUUUUUGGGGHHHHHH! Good Lord, how much more of this garbage do we have to WATCH! Shoot me -- PLEASE, just SHOOT me!

There -- I feel better. Anyway, we begin with shirtless Monday -- it's Joe. Sorry, but I'm not too excited about it -- you see, Joe has no chest hair. And that's a problem for me. Not that you care about my personal taste in half-naked men or anything, but -- well, there you go. So I just imagined that it was Chris --- ah, MUCH better! Karen is still upset about losing Mary's ring -- she gets the mail, and is stunned to find a sex toy magazine addressed to Joe! LOL!

At the Lighthouse, Victor, looking VERY adorable, is parading around in a French Legionnaire's uniform. Kevin comes out and asks him what the hell he's wearing. Hey Kevy -- leave Victor alone, okay! You, a man who has sex in a race car bed, have NO authority to discuss good taste here! The doorbell rings -- it's PodEllen, coming over to whine.

At the Firehouse, Serena tells Lucy that she gets to go to the taping of the informercial cause there's no school today. Oh, joy! And Bordisso will be at the shoot, too -- yippie! (Note: for the humor impaired -- I'm being sarcastic here. I'm about as excited about this as I was when ABC interrupted AMC in the mid-80's -- yes, this REALLY happened -- to tell me that Gary Hart was having an affair with Donna Rice.)

Okay, the opening credits --- ah, THERE'S Chris. See, I managed to make this a Chris day after all! Whaddya know!

On the infomercial set -- more fun than should be allowed -- they discuss the topic of the infomercial -- set in a wartorn country. Ah yes -- nothing says lovin' like blood, violence and gore. And apparently, DV agrees with me. Score one for DV. He gets them to change it a bit -- DV gets a smarty nomination this week for that move. Although he'll probably be competing against Chris, the reigning smarty champ. He doesn't stand a CHANCE -- but, he'll be nominated nonetheless.

Joe and Karen in the dressing room -- Frank comes in, brings Joe his pager. Karen asks him if he found the ring -- he didn't. (BAD boy, Frankie -- and I LOVE you for it!) Joe asks Frank about the porno mags, if he's getting any of them at the house as well. Frank says he'll keep a lookout for them -- don't want Neil to see those. (Aw, come on, who do you think RUNS that whole porno circuit?)

Victor shows up on the set to be helpful -- what a sweetie. Lucy gives him a role in the infomercial and sends him to makeup.

Back at the Lighthouse, PodEllen talks to PodKevin, and I really don't care cause I don't KNOW these people! Well, okay -- Kevin IS being less pinheaded than usual today -- but that's not saying TOO much. PodEllen says there's still a connection between her and Sebastian, blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda -- does anyone else but me find this STUPID?

At the infomercial set, Serena helps Victor with his fake moustache. DV and Scott talk -- Scott tells lie to get out of giving DV the dress pattern. (Ask me if I care yet -- nope, still don't care. BOR-ING!) Joe is on the set in costume -- Frank is being snarky, and says, for no real reason, but I don't care cause it was funny, that doctors have egos the size of Texas. LMAO! If it weren't for Frank and Victor, I'd be ripping my hair out from boredom at today's show.

And now we tape the infomercial, starring Joe and Karen, and gee, I'd LOVE to describe it to you, but -- well, I was curling my hair at the time and missed it. Oh, DARN it all to heck! But, I did HEAR it -- trust me, you didn't miss a thing. And, if PC follows the same pattern as last time, they'll re-air the entire thing tomorrow in a MAJOR Nokia moment -- so don't worry. While taping, Frank sneaks into the dressing room and steals Joe's car keys . . . .

Okay, a GH commercial during this break -- we got a glimpse of ROBERT SCORPIO to promote the fact that Faison is back in town! Now THAT was what a cop should be -- ah, the good old days, when the PCPD was actually a CAPABLE crime fighting force. Just thought I'd share that with you . . .

Back to PodEllen and PodKevin -- she feels unfaithful to Matt. Well, DUH! Kevin, the pinhead, says that everyone fantasizes at times. Well, okay, this is true -- I mean, I have these recurring fantasies about Chris and a desk and some chocolate and whipped cream, and . . . . ah, I forgot, PG-13. DARN!

Back at the set -- Serena tells Victor he looked cool (and he did). Serena tells Scott that the next infomercial (PLEASE! NO MORE! I'm *begging* here! Tell you what IIC -- if you PROMISE not to do ANY more infomercials, I will sell you my good friend Tammy's soul in exchange. I'd sell my cyber-sis' soul, but Tammy already sold hers last week for a K&L reunion. So you can have Tammy's now -- it may be a bit WRONG, but it's a fair trade -- Tammy's soul for no more infomercials. Whaddya say?) he and Lucy should play a bride and groom. Scott tries to quiet her by offering her donuts.

Lucy tells DV a lie -- a DIFFERENT lie from the one Scott told -- to shut him up about the dress patterns.

Lucy gives Karen the dress she wore, and Karen and Joe want to go home and reenact the infomercial. Oh, joy -- PLEASE don't make us watch this!

DV makes a phone call to the Better Business Bureau and tells them that Lucy and Scott have been employing children in Southeast Asia to make their dresses. What a BAD boy you are, DV!

And, lastly, Frank plants a pair of what I presume are edible undies in Joe's car . . . . .

That's it, folks -- hope you enjoyed it! And don't forget to order your magic dress today! I'm sure you'll want to RUSH out and buy one -- they'll bring you your DESTINY if you wear it. Hmmmm . . . . maybe I should do that after all . . . oh, Nolan, wait'll you see this new outfit I bought . . . . . till next time, that's the news and I am outta here! Oh, and BTW -- before I go -- the next update I have is April Fool's Day -- use your imagination as to what might happen that time around . . . . . . .

Valerie