America's Favorite Past-time
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Jami) Subject: It's America's Favorite Past-time ... Q style! Date: 21 Sep 1996 18:10:00 It's America's Favorite Past-time ... Q style! The setting: The Qs are in their ELQ skybox at Yankee Stadium, watching a match-up between the Yankees and the Mets. Emily, Alan, and Lila, all decked out in Yankee gear, are playing close attention to the game. Lois is enthralled by the opulence of the suite. The rest of the Qs are looking edgy and unhappy to be there. Lois: My Ma would'a loved this. I wish she could'a met us here. Tracy: Oh, yes, having good old Glo here really would have made the day complete. Why don't you send the limo for her, Ned? In fact, why don't you let me do it for you? Ned: I wouldn't trust you within ten feet of Lois' mother. Tracy: (doing that horrible laugh of hers) Don't worry, Ned, you'd never find me within ten feet of that woman. Her cloying scent alone would be enough to .. Lois: Don't you DARE insult my Ma! Alan: Could you pipe it down, please! I'm trying to explain the game to Emily. Tracy: Oh, is that what you're doing? I thought you might be trying to explain why you and Monica are on opposite sides of the room. Monica: Can it, Tracy. Tracy: Great come-back, Monica! I'm glad to see age hasn't dulled your extraordinarily sharp wit. Monica: The only thing dull around here, Tracy, is your feeble attempts to get under Lois' skin. Your insecurity over your own grandchild is really quite pitiful. Lila: Please, children, quiet! The Mets are bringing in Wallace. Alan, what's his ERA? Alan: Hold on a minute, Mother, I'll check. Ned: It doesn't matter. The Yanks have it locked up. This game is meaningless. Tracy: Then why are you here? Lois: Well, we're certainly not here to have fun, that's for sure. Edward: Lois, Tracy, stop your griping. You're giving me a headache. Dammit, I can't believe Martinez missed that catch! We pay that guy millions of dollars for what?? Dillon starts throwing a baseball at the Qs. He hits Lois in the arm. Lois: Why, you little brat! (Grabs the ball and stuffs it in her purse. Dillon starts to cry) Tracy: Lois, give my son back his baseball. Lois: No. Tracy: Lois, give Dillon his baseball or I'll see to it that little Queens' christening gown finds its way into the ELQ paper-shredder. Lois: Her name is Brook Lynn, and if you ever come near my baby or her things, I'll make you real sorry! Tracy: I can't imagine how. The baseball? Monica: Honestly, Tracy, if Dillon is abusing his toys, you should take them away from him. Tracy: Parenting tips from you, Monica? I don't think so, I'd get better advice from Jeffrey Dahmer's mother. You may have been stalwart in taking AJ's toys away; it's a shame you weren't so careful in taking him off the bottle. (Laughs horrible laugh) AJ: Shut up, Aunt Tracy. Tracy: Oh, so cute! Poor baby, did you become an alcoholic because your mother didn't nurse you long enough? Monica: That's enough, Tracy! Tracy: I'm sure she would have continued, but she weened you the day she found out you weren't Rick Webber's son after all! Keesha: You are a mean, hateful woman, and we'd all be a lot better off if you would just go away! Tracy (laughing horrible laugh): You were right about this one, Ned. She is too much for AJ to handle. (In a "confiding" type voice) Don't let him drag you down, my dear. He'll go back to the bottle sooner or later. He always does. Get out while you can. Keesha: I love AJ and I'll stand by him no matter what! Tracy: That's so romantic! And here I thought you were just waiting it out with AJ until Jason got his memory back. Lois (to Ned): That's horrible the way she picks on AJ. Ned: I don't know, I'm rather enjoying it myself. Lois: You know, Nedly, sometimes I really worry about you. Ned: Don't. She's got someone else on her radar screen right now. Relax and enjoy the cease-fire. You know it's only temporary. Alan: Homerun! It's a homerun! He and Emily exchange high-fives, everyone else cheers. Alan: Monica, you're not cheering. Monica: Actually I'm rooting for the Mets. Tracy: Oh, yes, that's our Monica. Always cheering for the underdog. Lila: That's alright, my dear, I find it refreshing. Tracy: Well, I find it moronic. Keesha: Of course you would. You don't have a bone of compassion in your entire body. Tracy laughs horrible laugh. Keesha (to Monica): I hope you don't think what she said is true. That I'm just with AJ because I'm waiting for Jason. Monica: Of course not, Keesha. Keesha: I know a lot of people might not understand how a woman could end up with her ex-boyfriend's brother .... Monica: Believe me, Keesha, I understand a lot more than you know. Emily: Monica, why don't you sit down and watch the game with us? Monica: That's alright, sweetheart, you let Alan explain to you what's going on. Tracy: Gee, Monica, don't you know the difference between a strike and a ball? I'd be more than happy to explain these things to Emily if you can't. Monica: I know the difference, Tracy. Can you explain the in-field fly rule? Emily: Hey, Strawberry's walking to base on only 2 balls. Why? Monica: Wallace balked. Tracy: I guess I underestimated you, Monica. You must have played a lot of baseball in that Dickensian orphanage where you grew up. Lois: You grew up in an orphange, Monica? Monica: Yes, as a matter of fact, I did. Tracy: And it's helped make her the wonderful human being she is today! Lois: You leave Monica alone! Monica is 100 times the person you are! A thousand times! Tracy (laughing the horrible laugh): Isn't it special how the Quartermaine outcasts stick together! I'll bet Lois and Ned will even ask Monica to be godmother to baby Bronx! Lois: Her name is Brook Lynn and we might just do that! Tracy: You wouldn't be such a staunch ally to Monica, Lois, if you knew that -- Monica: Stuff it, Tracy! Lois: If I knew what? Tracy: Don't worry, Monica, I won't spill your sordid little secret. At least not now. I'll save it for when I can get the most mileage out of it. Monica: That's so charitable of you, Tracy. Tracy: Charity does begin at home! Emily (to Alan): What are they talking about? Alan: I don't know. I used to know, but I've forgotten about it. Monica's beeper goes off. Monica (reaching for the cell phone): Excuse me. (Dials the phone) This is Dr. Quartermaine. Dorman: I'm sitting here in a hot tub with a cold bottle of champagne. What are the chances of you joining me? Monica: About as good as the Yankees winning the AL East. (She hangs up the phone) Sorry, Emily, I'm going to have to run. Emily: Why? Monica: Something came up ... Tracy: Try to remember to keep your beeper on this time, Monica. Monica: Try to remember to keep your mouth shut once in a while, Tracy. (She leaves) Ned: Well, there goes the first casualty of today's Quartermaine wars. I wonder who's next? Alan and Emily: Oh, no!! Lois: What's wrong? Emily: Johnson just hit a grand slam! The Mets are winning! Tracy: Alan, are you aware that your wife just walked out? Alan: What? Monica? Oh, I'm sure she had some kind of hospital emergency. Tracy: Oh, Alan, won't you ever learn? Edward (on the cell phone): Justus, we'll be on our way. (hanging up phone) Ned, there's a crisis. I need you. Lois: Hey, that's not what you said when you fired him as CEO. Edward: Listen, young lady, if you hadn't messed up our deal with Yagi Pharmaceuticals, we wouldn't be in this quandry to begin with. Ned: It's Yagi? Let's go. The Yanks have lost this one anyway. Lois: You're not leaving me here alone with Medusa. I'm coming with you. Ned: Yagi always liked your spunk. Let's go. (Ned, Lois and Edward leave) Alan: Then I guess it's just us. It's okay, Emily, the Yankees'll pull this one out. Jason always -- oh, nevermind. Tracy: Ha! Whatever Jason used to do doesn't matter. The current version couldn't figure out a batting average with a calculator. AJ: Hey, that's my brother you're chewing up! Keesha: She's not worth it, AJ. Let's just go. AJ: I don't know, I don't think we should leave Grandmother here by herself. Lila: I can play referee for Alan and Tracy, my dear. After all, I've been doing it for 40 years. Run along! Keesha and AJ leave. Lila: Now when are the Yankees going to pull Boehringer? He's given up six runs in this inning alone! Alan: I know, Mother, I don't understand it myself. They should bring Gooden in. Tracy (to Emily): So. Bet you're not seeing a lot of Monica these days. Emily: Please don't pick on me. I don't want to fight. Tracy: I'm not here to pick on you, dear. You know, I'm very envious that Monica has you. I always wanted a daughter myself. Emily: You did? Somehow I thought you preferred sons. Tracy: I would have loved to have a daughter just like you. Alan (to Lila): If the Yanks lose this game, Baltimore is just two games out. Lila: Then there's still the wild card slot. And you know the Yanks will beat the Os in any match-up. Alan: I don't know. Baltimore's got a lot of momentum going for it right now. Emily (to Tracy): Well, you're right. Monica's not around very much. I miss her ... and I miss my mother, a lot. Tracy: I bet you do, sweetheart. Listen. Why don't we ditch this game and take the limo into the city? We can go shopping, have dinner ... Emily: Really? That would be great! But what about Dillon? Tracy: We'll just leave him here with his favorite grandmother. He doesn't like shopping anyway. Emily and Tracy walk out together. Tracy: Oh, Emily, I have so much I want to teach you! Emily: Can you teach me how to make that great laugh? Tracy laughs the laugh as we fade to black.