America's Favorite Past-time
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Jami) Sent: 10/22/96 9:19 AM Here's my latest Q story, "Qs Talk About Politics." Enjoy! It's almost Election Day, and in living rooms all across America, people are debating the merits and shortfalls of the candidates. Probably lots of households are having discussions just like the Quartermaine's ..... The Qs are sitting in the living room glaring at each other and not saying much when Emily walks in. Emily: I have this class project? I have to interview everyone in my family about the election? And ask who they are going to vote for for President, and why? Is that okay? Alan: Of course that's okay. Come on in and sit down. Ned: I'll vote for anyone, as long as it's not AJ. AJ: Luckily for me, most of Port Charles doesn't share your sentiments, Ned. Ned: They'll wise up. We all have. Emily: Alan, who are you going to vote for? Alan: Dole gets my vote. Monica: Just throwing your vote away, then? Alan: It's a matter of principle, Monica. I don't care what the polls say. I am not voting for a lying, stealing, draft-dodging, two-timing, ineffectual administrator. Monica: I see. In other words, you don't want someone just like yourself in the White House for four more years. Alan: I suppose you're voting for Clinton? Monica: I don't care about the man's personal drawbacks; all that matters to me is that he can get the job done. Alan: Isn't that what you usually say about your lovers, Monica, not your commander in chief? Ned: Clinton wishes he were so lucky. AJ: Ned!! That's my mother you're talking about! Ned: So? Emily: Please, everyone, you're talking too fast! I can't write all this down. AJ: You're writing this down? Whoa, maybe we'd better stick to the subject. During an election year, Emily, both the candidate and the incumbent try to get the electorate to ask the question, are you better off than you were four years ago? If most people answer yes, they vote for the incumbent -- in this case, Clinton. But if more people answer no, they usually vote in somebody new -- Dole. Emily: Are we better off than we were four years ago? Alan: Well, we didn't have you four years ago, so we're all richer for that. Edward: Oh, Alan, how heartwarming. Monica: Can it, Edward. Edward: I, for one, am not better off than I was four years ago. That 1993 tax hike of Clinton's was aimed directly at us! Since the day he signed that legislation, we've paid an extra $250,000 in taxes. Monica: Out of how many millions in profit? Edward: It's that kind of bleeding heart attitude, Monica, that led to General Hospital nearly shutting its doors permanently. Ned: I thought it was Alan's poor management skills that caused GH to stumble. Edward: That too. Emily: I don't think this has anything to do with my assignment ... AJ: Okay, four years ago. Oh, yeah. Four years ago I was just about to walk down the aisle with the love of my life, when Dad gave her a million dollars to leave town. No, I'd definitely say I'm better off. Alan: I'll take credit for that. AJ: There's no credit to give. Who's to say that Nikki and I wouldn't have lived happily ever after. Monica: After all, AJ's grown up with such fine role models. Alan: Do you really think you'd be better off spending the rest of your life with a woman who just married you for your money? Edward: It worked for you, Alan. Monica: How dare you! Edward (chuckling): Just trying to get a rise out of you, my dear. It's been too long since I've seen that fighting spirit of yours. Monica: Sometimes I wonder what's left to fight for. Emily: How about you, Monica? Are you better off than you were four years ago? Monica: Honestly? Except for you, no. Emily: So then you are going to vote for Dole? Monica: No, I plan to vote for Clinton. You see, you can't blame the sitting President for everything that goes wrong in your life. Sometimes you have to accept some responsibility for your own actions. Alan: You, accepting responsibility? That's a first. Monica: I said responsibility for my own actions, Alan, not blame for your mistakes. There is a difference. Then again, if you knew that, we wouldn't be in the mess we're currently in. AJ: Ah, give Dad a break, Mom. Alan: Thank you. AJ: Even if he did know the difference, you'd still be in a mess. Emily: I don't know the difference. Ned: Perhaps we'd better stick to the election; I think talking about politics might be a little less volatile. Emily: Ned, who are you voting for? Ned: Harry Browne. Alan and Monica: Who? Ned: He's the Libertarian party's candidate for President. Emily: Libertarian? I never heard of them. Alan: Neither have I. What's their platform? Ned: They're Republicans without the Religious Right. Live and let live, and everyone gets to keep their own money. Edward: They're a bunch of whackos. In the current political climate, nothing can be accomplished outside the two-party system. Monica: Spoken like a true champion of the status quo, Edward. Edward: Seems to me that the status quo has served you quite well, young lady. Emily: How do you spell "Libertarian"? Monica: AJ, you haven't told us for whom you are voting. AJ: I'm writing in Steve Forbes. Alan: You're writing in Forbes? AJ: His flat tax proposal would have saved us a bundle of money. All capital gains and inherited assets would have been completely tax exempt. Ned: And you wouldn't have had to work a day in your life. AJ: Unlike you, Ned, I work because I want to, not because Grandfather has the bottom of his foot on my neck. Ned: Grandfather wouldn't let you near ELQ. Edward: Don't be so sure about that, Ned. Emily: Okay, let me get this straight. Alan's voting for Dole. Monica's voting for Clinton. AJ's writing in Forbes. Ned's voting for the liberty guy. Edward, what about you? Edward: Dole. Lila and I will both be voting for Dole. Lila wheels in. Lila: Not so fast, Edward. I received my absentee ballot in the mail today and I am most assuredly not voting for Dole. Edward: Why, Lila, Bob and Liddy have been exceptionally gracious to us over the years. Lila: I am sorry, Edward. Bob is a lovely person, but I just can't seem to get over the "vision thing." Emily: Vision thing, Grandmother? Lila: Yes, my dear, the vision thing. You see, he has none. Edward: The man will make a fine administrator; what type of vision do you need for that? Alan: You think Clinton's got vision? School uniforms and V-chips? You call that vision? Monica: I can't believe it. Alan and Edward are actually voting for the same candidate. I can't remember the last time they agreed on anything. Emily: Then who are you voting for, Grandmother? Lila: The one person I truly believe could run this country. Hillary Rodham Clinton. Edward: Bosh! She'd run this country the way Mitterand ran France. Why don't I get out the checkbook right now, and give ALL our money to the government? Would that make you happy, my dear? Lila: Oh, shut up, Edward. Emily: I guess I can go write my report now. I thought there were only two candidates; I didn't know people had so many choices. Monica: There are always choices, Emily. Alan: Monica's had an awful lot of choices in her life as well. Monica: Alan, don't start. Sally walks in. Sally: There's a short man with a Texas accent here to see everyone? Ross Perot barges in. Perot: Now what's this I hear about ya'll not voting for me? That is sad, folks, that is really sad. I haven't been so upset since the day those debate people slammed the door in my face. But that's okay, because I'm going door to door, talking to people just like you about why I should be president. This country's like a horse, you know, it's just like a horse, and if you treat her right, she'll do what you want her to do, but if you're just sitting in the saddle looking stupid, prepare to hit the ground! I mean, we've gotta open up the hood, tinker around with the engine, get the oil and dirt on our hands, and then ... Then we can jumpstart the car, but first you've gotta make sure you've got the red wires and the blue wires on the right way, otherwise who knows what might happen, the engine might blow up or something, I don't really know, I have servants who handle that kind of thing, hell, I don't even drive anymore, but hey, you people probably don't either, isn't that why you have a staff here? And by the way, where is Cook? Her sister Maid works for me and asked me to say hi. Hey, where're ya'll goin'? Don't forget to vote November 5th!