Quartermaines Meet Barney
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Jami) Subject: Quartermaines Meet Barney Date: 18 Aug 1996 18:15:00 Quartermaines Meet Barney It's breakfast time in the Quartermaine living room. Lila and Alan are chatting. Lila: It's so nice to see you so bright and early, my dear. Where is Monica? Alan: I'll be damned if I know, Mother. She doesn't confide her plans in me these days. Lila: I'm so sorry to hear that. AJ (walking in): Sorry to hear what, Grandmother? Is Dad cataloging my faults again? Don't bother, Dad, everyone's heard the words to that song by now. Alan: Why do you always assume everything is about you? Monica (walking in with Edward): Because it usually is. Alan: Oh, look, Mother, here's my darling wife now. Monica, dear, why don't you tell the family where you spent the night. Because you certainly didn't spend it here. Monica: I spent the night at the hospital, Alan, which was a lot more excitement than I've had at night from you lately. Edward (chortling): Watching test patterns on television would contain more excitement than an evening with Alan. Alan: Thank you for your show of support, Father. Monica, you've used that lame hospital excuse so many times in the past that even Mother doesn't believe you. Lila: Of course I believe Monica, Alan. What else would she be doing? Alan: The question isn't what. The question is with whom. Monica: How dare you accuse me of having an affair when your paramours have left skidmarks on the floor of the boathouse! Alan: If the bedsheet fits, Monica .... Monica: You hypocritical two faced -- Tracy (walking in with Lois and Ned trailing her): Oh goody! Looks like we're just in time for my favorite game show: "Who's Monica Sleeping With Now?" I just hope one of the contestants isn't my -- Ned: Shut up, Mother! Tracy: Don't tell me to shut up in my own home. Monica: It's my house, Tracy, and if Ned tells you to shut up, then shut up! AJ: I can't believe you're sticking up for Ned, Mom, after all the grief he's given me. Alan: You've earned every bit of it. Lila: Be quiet all of you! You're upsetting Lois. Lois, my dear, you do look radiant. Lois: Why thank you. Tracy: Yes, isn't that dress the latest special from the Home Shopping Network? Monica: As a matter of fact, I gave her that dress, Tracy. Tracy: Oh, that doesn't surprise me. Hand-me-downs from one misfit Quartermaine to another. Ned: Misfit? Don't call Lois and Monica misfits. The only misfit around here is AJ. AJ: I may be a misfit but atleast my last name is Quartermaine. Tracy: That's only because Monica wasn't able to -- Monica: Shut up, Tracy! Lois: Shut up, all of you! Just shut up! I can't stand this! I can't stand it anymore. I can't bring a baby home to grow up in a family like this. Tracy: Then maybe you shouldn't bring it home at all. The Nile worked very well for Moses' mother ..... Ned: If anyone's going into the river, it'll be you, Mother. Lois: Everyone be quiet. I've done a lot of thinking about this, and before I'll let my baby grow up in this house, we're all going to act like a family. So I've asked someone over who can help us do that. Edward: Don't tell me you're bringing over a therapist. Alan: Why not? Monica and I have always done so well in therapy. Monica: I still have that rubber bat upstairs, Alan, and I won't hesitate to use it. Lois: No, he's not a therapist. He's someone I've met while researching entertainment options for my baby. Reginald (walking in, looking very confused): Mrs. Ashton? There's a -- Mr. -- uh -- Barney? here to see you?? Lois: Oh, great, send him right in. Reginald walks out and returns being followed by Barney the Dinosaur Lois: Barney! Barney: Hello, Lois! They hug as the rest of the Qs stand around looking bewildered and confused. Ned: Lois? Honey? What is that -- thing? Edward: And is it housebroken? After all the time it took getting Foster's stains out of our Oriental rugs ... Lois: Of course he's housebroken! How can you say such a thing! Ned: Well, honey, he isn't wearing any pants. Lois: Hm... I never noticed that before. Qs, this here is Barney the Dinosaur. He's here to teach us about sharing, and caring, and how to be a family. Edward: We don't need a purple hallucination to tell us how to be a family, young lady. We're doing just fine ourselves! Barney: Oh, Edward, I don't think you have! My good friend Lois tells me you may need a reminder of what families are. (Singing): Oh, a family is people and a family is love; that's a family. They come in all different sizes and different kinds, but mine's just right for me. Tracy: I think I'm going to be ill. Alan: I may have to join you. Tracy: You can find your own bathroom, thank you very much. Barney: Tracy. Alan. I think you two have forgotten how to share! It seems to me that sharing is a special way of caring. If you've got enough for two, then share some things with you! If there's just enough for one, take turns and share the fun! Edward: Lois, I demand you escort your Sesame Street friend outside this instant! Barney: I'm not with Sesame Street, but I could bring Big Bird over .... Monica: On the contrary, Edward, I'm rather enjoying Barney's advice. Ned: It's a shame Barney wasn't around when AJ was little; he might have made a difference. AJ (shouting): I don't think Barney knows how to deal with your type of sabotage, Ned! Ned (shouting back): Ask him what he does with drunks who nearly kill their brothers!! Barney: Ned and AJ, I think you've forgotten to use your inside voices! (singing) When we talk, we have two choices, we can use either one of our two voices. Our indoor voice is kind of quiet, like a kitty that just meowed ...... Alan: Lois, can we wrap this up, please! I have to get to the hospital. Lois: Wrap this up? Oh, no, Alan, we won't be wrapping things up anytime soon. Barney is here to teach us all how to get along, and I think that's going to take more than just a couple of minutes. Monica: Teach us how to get along? Edward: Well, I think there's all something we can agree on. AJ: You're right about that, Grandfather. All Quartermaines but Lois start to throw things at Barney. Alan and Monica sing: Now is time to say goodbye to all our company ..... Barney: Oh, now look at the mess we've made! I think it's time to clean up! (singing) Clean up, clean up, everybody everywhere! Clean up, clean up, everybody do their share! As Barney and Lois clean and sing, the rest of the family slips out the door one by one. When the room is cleaned, Barney and Lois look up and realize they're alone. Lois: Aw, I'm sorry, Barney. I guess the Quartermaines aren't ready to be a real family yet. Barney: Oh, but they are a family, Lois. They're your family. And you'll love them just the same. And you know what, Lois? I love you! Lois (hugging him): Aw, Barney, I love you too. Barney and Lois singing: I love you, you love me. We're a happy family. With a great big hug and kiss from me to you (kiss sound), won't you say you love me too! Ned walks in and puts his arms around Barney and Lois for the second verse: I love you, you love me, we're best friends like friends should be. With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you, won't you say you love me too! Lois: Thank you Barney. Ned and I have to go to my pre-natal check-up now. Barney: Goodbye! Lois and Ned walk out, Barney turns back into a stuffed animal. Then Tracy walks in and spies the stuffed animal. She picks it up, looks at it quizzically, then calls Annabelle. Tracy: Annabelle? Here, girl! Annabelle trots up. Tracy: I've got a new chew toy for you. (hands Annabelle the Barney doll, Annabelle takes it in her teeth and runs off). Tracy laughs her evil laugh and walks off humming the "I Love You" song. Fade to black!