Quartermaines Meet Seinfeld
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Jami) Subject: Quartermaines Meet Seinfeld Date: 18 Aug 1996 18:15:00 Quartermaines Meet Seinfeld Ever wonder what would happen if the Qs were stuck in the strange world of Seinfeld -- that place where ordinary annoying events take on life-altering dimensions? Just imagine the Qs in that famous "Chinese restaurant" episode (if you haven't seen the episode, the gang is stuck waiting endlessly for a table, George is waiting for a phone call, Elaine is so hungry she's trying to steal food from people's tables, Jerry tries unsuccessfully to bribe the maitre-d into giving them a table) ... Edward, Lila, Tracy, Alan, Monica, AJ, Ned and Lois come into the Chinese restaurant. Edward greets the maitre-d ... Edward: I have a reservation for eight. Last name -- Quartermaine. Maitre-d: Quarter who? Edward: Quartermaine. Edward Quartermaine. Maitre-d: I have no Quartermaine here. Lois: Yes, you do, you have eight of us. Tracy: That's NOT what he meant, Louise. Ned: Mother, could you please make an effort to address my wife by her correct name? Tracy: Oh, I'm so sorry! I thought you two made a habit of using different names for each other. Isn't that right, Eddie? Ned: Only Lois can call me Eddie. Tracy (snorting): I guess she should call you "Sugar Daddy," considering you never got her to sign a prenup. Edward: Confound it, I specifically asked Cook to make us reservations before she went on holiday. Let's go. AJ: No, Grandfather, we can't. I told Keesha to call me here. Ned: Like anyone cares about your love life, Junior. Monica: Atleast he HAS a love life. Alan: I suppose that particular dagger was directed at me. Monica: I just call them as I see them. Alan: And so do I, Monica. I guess I should feel lucky that Dorman was able to spare you for one night. Monica: And I should feel blessed that you're not off somewhere having surgery. Tracy: Going in for a face-life, brother-dear? Wonderful idea. You might consider a tummy- tuck while you're at it. Maybe you could attract a better class of wife than the orphanage-reject. Monica: Come with me to pick out a lobster, Tracy. (Monica grabs Tracy by the arm and starts dragging her away) Tracy: Monica? Monica, I was just kidding. Monica! Monica grabs Tracy's hand and starts to plunge it in the lobster tank. Tracy: Monica, let go now or Little Miss Fingernails is going to get an earful over the eggrolls about you and my son. Disgusted, Monica lets go. Tracy: Why, Monica, I'm disappointed. You've lost your edge. Monica turns to go, then turns back around and shoves Tracy head-first into the tank. She sashays back to the Qs with a big grin on her face. Maitre-d: It should only be about 10 minutes, if you'd like to wait. Edward: Ten minutes! Do you know what ten minutes could mean on Wall Street? Fortunes have been made and lost in ten minutes, young man. Lila: Regardless, Edward, it will take Reginald more than 10 minutes to bring the cars back around, so we might as well stay. Ned: Grandmother, always the voice of reason. Alan (spying Monica): Monica, what did you do with Tracy? Monica: Oh, she needed to cool off. Lois (spying another large party walking to their table): Hey, what's with that? We got here before they did. Monica: Perhaps they had reservations. Edward: That's it, let's go. AJ: No, Grandfather, we have to stay here! Edward: Well, you lovesick schoolboys can stay here, but I'm finding another restaurant. Monica: Put a sock in it, Edward. We're all staying put. Lois: I am so hungry! Ned, what do you think that woman's having? AJ: I think it's squid ... or octopus. Lois: I want one. Ned: You can have whatever you want, honey. Lois: I want it NOW. AJ: Then go ahead and ask her, Lois. I'm sure she wouldn't refuse a hungry pregnant woman. Lois: No, I can wait. It should only be a few more minutes, right? Edward: If it isn't, my lawyer's going to get involved. Ned: I hardly think Justus would be interested in this type of case. Edward: Justus will do whatever I ask him to! AJ: It's a good thing someone will. Lois: Hey! There goes another group. Alan: This is getting ridiculous. How long has it been? Monica: It's been about a half hour ... but it seems much longer .... perhaps because I'm with you. Alan: Thank you, Monica, for that brutally honest assessment of our marriage. Monica: At least one of us can be honest. Alan: Oh, you can be a lot of things, Monica, and honest is definitely the best of them. AJ (to the maitre'd): Um, my name is AJ Quartermaine ... I'm waiting for a phone call ... Maitre-d: Quarterwho? AJ: Quartermaine? I'm waiting for a phone call. Maitre-d: Yes, yes, ten minutes, ten minutes. Lois: I'm going to ask that woman for a bite. Monica: Do it, Lois. AJ: Ned, I think it's time you did something about this. Ned: What do you suggest, Junior? Storming the restaurant? AJ: Give the maitre-d an incentive to seat us. Lois: You mean a bribe? AJ: Do you want to eat in this lifetime? Ned: I'll handle it. Ned walks up to the maitre-d. Ned (slipping him a twenty): How much longer for the Quartermaine party? Maitre-d (putting the twenty in his pocket): Ten minutes, ten minutes. Ned: But ... Maitre-d: Ten minutes, ten minutes. Ned walks back to Lois and AJ. AJ: Way to go, cousin. Ned: Shut up, Junior. Lois: If I don't get something to eat right now, I'm going to faint. Ned, where's the dimsung? Steal me something. AJ: Ned can't even make a bribe and now you want him to flinch food for you? Ned: Then do it yourself, Alan Junior. Lois: Both of you shut up! I'll do it myself! (marches into the dining room) Monica: I've had enough. The hospital cafeteria is better than this. Alan: That's what I love about you, Monica, you always look on the bright side of things. Monica: Show me the bright side to this situation, Alan, and I'll be happy to look at it. Alan: Atleast we're not alone together. Monica: Goody! Lois (to woman eating): Could I have a bite of whatever it is you're eating? Woman: Certainly not! Ned: I'll give you twenty dollars to give my wife the rest of your dinner. Woman: Are you crazy? Lois: No, just very, very hungry. Tracy (wet hair slicked back): Perhaps you should sit outside with a tin cup, Lulu. Ned: Mother, what happened to you? Tracy: I thought this was the latest look; isn't that right, Lisa? Maitre'd: Quarterfest? Party of eight? Alan: Finally! I was ready to join Lois and buy dinner from the other patrons! Monica: Don't be so dramatic, Alan, it wouldn't hurt you to skip a few meals. Lila: Edward, I do believe tomorrow night we should have dinner in our room. AJ: I wonder why Keesha hasn't called ... Ned: Maybe she finally came to her senses. (Qs follow waitress and sit down) Lois: Oh, I just love Chinese food! Our whole clan would go out every Friday night and order family style. Are we going to do that? Tracy: Family style? What's that? Monica: It's when everyone shares their dish. AJ: I can't see anyone in this family sharing anything. Tracy: Except lovers, isn't that right, Monica? Monica: I'd be more than happy to give you my left-overs, Tracy. Tracy: Thank you, Monica, I can do just fine all by myself. Monica: That's why you're alone tonight? Tracy: In some cases, it's better to be alone. Like yours, for instance. Lila: Would you two please stop this? Tracy: She started it. Alan: Really, Tracy, you're sounding like a two year old. Maitre-d: Call for RJ Chesterfield? Mr. Chesterfield? AJ: I don't know, I kind of like watching Mom and Aunt Tracy go at it. Ned and I shouldn't be the only ones in this family constantly at each other's throats. Tracy: That's right! Oh, Monica, wouldn't it be too funny if AJ knew -- Monica: Shut up, Tracy! Lila: Please, Tracy, Lois is in a very delicate condition. AJ: If AJ knew what? Tracy: Oh, my, well, I wouldn't want to say anything that might cause Lizzie to go into premature labor right here. Although we might get faster service if we did. Lois: Ned, what is your mother talking about? Ned: Nothing, dear, she's just having fun with you. Lois: If she wants fun, tell her to play a game of Scrabble. I'm outta here. (leaves) Ned: Lois! Tracy: You picked a live one, didn't you, honey. Yeah, she fits in the family real well! Monica: Atleast she's not a mobster. Tracy: If we're going to drag out the skeletons, Monica, let's talk about one named Rick Webber. Alan: You know, we could have stayed home and done this. AJ: I'm starting to get worried about Keesha. I'm going to call her. AJ gets up and heads to a pay phone. Dials the number and listens to the outgoing message on her machine. AJ: I don't believe this! She said she called and I wasn't here! (grabs the maitre-d) I TOLD you I was expecting a call!! Maitre-d: Call for RJ Chesterfield. No one answered. AJ: AJ, AJ Quartermaine! AJ goes back to the table. AJ: Keesha's not coming. Ned: That's the smartest decision anyone's made all night. AJ: I've lost my appetite. I'm going home. (leaves) Ned: Just cut a wide swath around the bar, Junior. I'd better go after Lois. (leaves) Monica: Maybe we should all call it a night. Lila: Sit down, my dear. Now we're all going to stay here and have a nice time if it kills us! Tracy: I think it will. Monica: It would be no loss on your part. Lila: Be quiet, both of you! If you don't have anything nice to say, then please keep your mouths shut! Alan: Oh, that's me. (pulls out his beeper). Monica: I didn't hear anything. Alan: It's the hospital. Sorry, I've got to go. (leaves) Monica: I might be able to enjoy myself after all. Tracy: Good, Monica, now we really get a chance to talk. Tell me, how does it feel to have wasted your entire life on someone like my brother? Monica (giving her an icy stare): What I'm wondering is why I'm wasting tonight with you. (leaves). Lila: Look at what you've done, Tracy, you've driven off the entire family! Tracy: I drove them off?! It's not my fault everyone is so sensitive these days. Edward: Tracy, what's in your hair? Tracy (feeling her head): In my hair, what do you mean, in my hair? Edward (coming up behind her and pulling something out): Oh! It's an .... antennae Tracy: Oh my god! (Bolts) Edward: Now, my dear, that's more like it. Waiter, I think we're ready to order!