Quartermaines Meet Seinfeld

From: mncawnbe@aol.com (Jami)
Subject: Quartermaines Meet Seinfeld
Date: 18 Aug 1996 18:15:00

Quartermaines Meet Seinfeld

Ever wonder what would happen if the Qs were stuck in the strange world
of Seinfeld -- that place where ordinary annoying events take on
life-altering dimensions?  Just imagine the Qs in that famous "Chinese
restaurant" episode (if you haven't seen the episode, the gang is stuck
waiting endlessly for a table, George is waiting for a phone call,
Elaine is so hungry she's trying to steal food from people's tables,
Jerry tries unsuccessfully to bribe the maitre-d into giving them a
table) ...

Edward, Lila, Tracy, Alan, Monica, AJ, Ned and Lois come into the
Chinese restaurant.  Edward greets the maitre-d ...

Edward:  I have a reservation for eight.  Last name -- Quartermaine.

Maitre-d:  Quarter who?

Edward:  Quartermaine.  Edward Quartermaine.

Maitre-d:  I have no Quartermaine here.

Lois:  Yes, you do, you have eight of us.

Tracy:  That's NOT what he meant, Louise.

Ned:  Mother, could you please make an effort to address my wife by her
correct name?

Tracy:  Oh, I'm so sorry!  I thought you two made a habit of using
different names for each other.  Isn't that right, Eddie?

Ned:  Only Lois can call me Eddie.

Tracy (snorting):  I guess she should call you "Sugar Daddy,"
considering you never got her to sign a prenup.

Edward:  Confound it, I specifically asked Cook to make us reservations
before she went on holiday.  Let's go.

AJ:  No, Grandfather, we can't.  I told Keesha to call me here.

Ned:  Like anyone cares about your love life, Junior.

Monica:  Atleast he HAS a love life.

Alan:  I suppose that particular dagger was directed at me.

Monica:  I just call them as I see them.

Alan:  And so do I, Monica.  I guess I should feel lucky that Dorman was
able to spare you for one night.

Monica:  And I should feel blessed that you're not off somewhere having

Tracy:   Going in for a face-life, brother-dear?  Wonderful idea.  You
might consider a tummy- tuck while you're at it.  Maybe you could
attract a better class of wife than the orphanage-reject.

Monica:  Come with me to pick out a lobster, Tracy.  (Monica grabs Tracy
by the arm and starts dragging her away)

Tracy:  Monica?  Monica, I was just kidding.  Monica!

Monica grabs Tracy's hand and starts to plunge it in the lobster tank.

Tracy:  Monica, let go now or Little Miss Fingernails is going to get an
earful over the eggrolls about you and my son.

Disgusted, Monica lets go.

Tracy:  Why, Monica, I'm disappointed.  You've lost your edge.

Monica turns to go, then turns back around and shoves Tracy head-first
into the tank.  She sashays back to the Qs with a big grin on her face.

Maitre-d:  It should only be about 10 minutes, if you'd like to wait.

Edward:  Ten minutes!  Do you know what ten minutes could mean on Wall
Street?  Fortunes have been made and lost in ten minutes, young man.

Lila:  Regardless, Edward, it will take Reginald more than 10 minutes to
bring the cars back around, so we might as well stay.

Ned:  Grandmother, always the voice of reason.

Alan (spying Monica):  Monica, what did you do with Tracy?

Monica:  Oh, she needed to cool off.

Lois (spying another large party walking to their table):  Hey, what's
with that?  We got here before they did.

Monica:  Perhaps they had reservations.

Edward:  That's it, let's go.

AJ:  No, Grandfather, we have to stay here!

Edward:  Well, you lovesick schoolboys can stay here, but I'm finding
another restaurant.

Monica:  Put a sock in it, Edward.  We're all staying put.

Lois:  I am so hungry!  Ned, what do you think that woman's having?

AJ:  I think it's squid ... or octopus.

Lois:  I want one.

Ned:  You can have whatever you want, honey.

Lois:  I want it NOW.

AJ:  Then go ahead and ask her, Lois.  I'm sure she wouldn't refuse a
hungry pregnant woman.

Lois:  No, I can wait.  It should only be a few more minutes, right?

Edward:  If it isn't, my lawyer's going to get involved.

Ned:  I hardly think Justus would be interested in this type of case.

Edward:  Justus will do whatever I ask him to!

AJ:  It's a good thing someone will.

Lois:  Hey!  There goes another group.

Alan:  This is getting ridiculous.  How long has it been?

Monica:  It's been about a half hour ... but it seems much longer ....
perhaps because I'm with you.

Alan:  Thank you, Monica, for that brutally honest assessment of our

Monica:  At least one of us can be honest.

Alan:  Oh, you can be a lot of things, Monica, and honest is definitely
the best of them.

AJ (to the maitre'd):  Um, my name is AJ Quartermaine ... I'm waiting
for a phone call ...

Maitre-d:  Quarterwho?

AJ:  Quartermaine?  I'm waiting for a phone call.

Maitre-d:  Yes, yes, ten minutes, ten minutes.

Lois:  I'm going to ask that woman for a bite.

Monica:  Do it, Lois.

AJ:  Ned, I think it's time you did something about this.

Ned:  What do you suggest, Junior?  Storming the restaurant?

AJ:  Give the maitre-d an incentive to seat us.

Lois:  You mean a bribe?

AJ:  Do you want to eat in this lifetime?

Ned:  I'll handle it.

Ned walks up to the maitre-d.

Ned (slipping him a twenty):  How much longer for the Quartermaine

Maitre-d (putting the twenty in his pocket):  Ten minutes, ten minutes.

Ned:  But ...

Maitre-d:  Ten minutes, ten minutes.

Ned walks back to Lois and AJ.

AJ:  Way to go, cousin.

Ned:  Shut up, Junior.

Lois:  If I don't get something to eat right now, I'm going to faint. 
Ned, where's the dimsung?  Steal me something.

AJ:  Ned can't even make a bribe and now you want him to flinch food for

Ned:  Then do it yourself, Alan Junior.

Lois:  Both of you shut up!  I'll do it myself!  (marches into the
dining room)

Monica:  I've had enough.  The hospital cafeteria is better than this.

Alan:  That's what I love about you, Monica, you always look on the
bright side of things.

Monica:  Show me the bright side to this situation, Alan, and I'll be
happy to look at it.

Alan:  Atleast we're not alone together.

Monica:  Goody!

Lois (to woman eating):  Could I have a bite of whatever it is you're

Woman:  Certainly not!

Ned:  I'll give you twenty dollars to give my wife the rest of your

Woman:  Are you crazy?

Lois:  No, just very, very hungry.

Tracy (wet hair slicked back):  Perhaps you should sit outside with a
tin cup, Lulu.

Ned:  Mother, what happened to you?

Tracy:  I thought this was the latest look; isn't that right, Lisa?

Maitre'd:  Quarterfest?  Party of eight?

Alan:  Finally!  I was ready to join Lois and buy dinner from the other

Monica:  Don't be so dramatic, Alan, it wouldn't hurt you to skip a few

Lila:  Edward, I do believe tomorrow night we should have dinner in our

AJ:  I wonder why Keesha hasn't called ...

Ned:  Maybe she finally came to her senses.

(Qs follow waitress and sit down)

Lois:  Oh, I just love Chinese food!  Our whole clan would go out every
Friday night and order family style.  Are we going to do that?

Tracy:  Family style?  What's that?

Monica:  It's when everyone shares their dish.

AJ:  I can't see anyone in this family sharing anything.

Tracy:  Except lovers, isn't that right, Monica?

Monica:  I'd be more than happy to give you my left-overs, Tracy.

Tracy:  Thank you, Monica, I can do just fine all by myself.

Monica:  That's why you're alone tonight?

Tracy:  In some cases, it's better to be alone.  Like yours, for

Lila:  Would you two please stop this?

Tracy:  She started it.

Alan:  Really, Tracy, you're sounding like a two year old.

Maitre-d:  Call for RJ Chesterfield?  Mr. Chesterfield?

AJ:  I don't know, I kind of like watching Mom and Aunt Tracy go at it. 
Ned and I shouldn't be the only ones in this family constantly at each
other's throats.

Tracy:  That's right!  Oh, Monica, wouldn't it be too funny if AJ knew

Monica:  Shut up, Tracy!

Lila:  Please, Tracy, Lois is in a very delicate condition.

AJ:  If AJ knew what?

Tracy:  Oh, my, well, I wouldn't want to say anything that might cause
Lizzie to go into premature labor right here.  Although we might get
faster service if we did.

Lois:  Ned, what is your mother talking about?

Ned:  Nothing, dear, she's just having fun with you.

Lois:  If she wants fun, tell her to play a game of Scrabble.  I'm outta
here.  (leaves)

Ned:  Lois!

Tracy:  You picked a live one, didn't you, honey.  Yeah, she fits in the
family real well!

Monica:  Atleast she's not a mobster.

Tracy:  If we're going to drag out the skeletons, Monica, let's talk
about one named Rick Webber.

Alan:  You know, we could have stayed home and done this.

AJ:  I'm starting to get worried about Keesha.  I'm going to call her.

AJ gets up and heads to a pay phone.  Dials the number and listens to
the outgoing message on her machine.

AJ:  I don't believe this!  She said she called and I wasn't here! 
(grabs the maitre-d)  I TOLD you I was expecting a call!!

Maitre-d:  Call for RJ Chesterfield.  No one answered.

AJ:  AJ, AJ Quartermaine!

AJ goes back to the table.

AJ:  Keesha's not coming.

Ned:  That's the smartest decision anyone's made all night.

AJ:  I've lost my appetite.  I'm going home.  (leaves)

Ned:  Just cut a wide swath around the bar, Junior.   I'd better go
after Lois.  (leaves)

Monica:  Maybe we should all call it a night.

Lila:  Sit down, my dear.  Now we're all going to stay here and have a
nice time if it kills us!

Tracy:  I think it will.

Monica:  It would be no loss on your part.

Lila:  Be quiet, both of you!  If you don't have anything nice to say,
then please keep your mouths shut!

Alan:  Oh, that's me.  (pulls out his beeper).

Monica:  I didn't hear anything.

Alan:  It's the hospital.  Sorry, I've got to go.  (leaves)

Monica:  I might be able to enjoy myself after all.

Tracy:  Good, Monica, now we really get a chance to talk.  Tell me, how
does it feel to have wasted your entire life on someone like my brother?

Monica (giving her an icy stare):  What I'm wondering is why I'm wasting
tonight with you.  (leaves).

Lila:  Look at what you've done, Tracy, you've driven off the entire

Tracy:  I drove them off?!   It's not my fault everyone is so sensitive
these days.

Edward:  Tracy, what's in your hair?

Tracy (feeling her head):  In my hair, what do you mean, in my hair?

Edward (coming up behind her and pulling something out):  Oh!  It's an
.... antennae

Tracy:  Oh my god!  (Bolts)

Edward:  Now, my dear, that's more like it.  Waiter, I think we're ready
to order!